Flashburn Interviews
by Thaeonblade
Summary: Having not died during the Kyubi attack, Minato wakes up from a 16 year coma and is requested by Konoha to give his personal opinion on several members of the village. Particularly those who have been noted as possible candidates as Hokage. This will end in bitter disillusionment and tears. OOC Over Judgemental Minato; Crack Fic
1. Tsunade

**Copyright: I don't own Naruto. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. Moving on.**

* * *

"Thank you for the invitation Yondaime-san."

"No need for formalities mom!" A very alive Minato Namikaze said with a chuckle as he read over his mother's file, "So what made you want to become hokage all of a sudden?"

"Your boy talked me into it." Tsunade replied, "He has that way with people."

"Guess he does...it takes more than charisma to be hokage though." Minato stated as he set down the sannin's folder and went to work, "And to be completely blunt mom...Jiraiya was really scrapping the barrel when he recommended you."

"Excuse me?"

"Mom...you're a twenty year deserter at least." Minato blunted, "Do you realize how bad that makes the village look to appoint deserter as the leader of our village? Why would that be a problem?"

"I know that I abandoned you...but-"

"I'm over that mom, really! This isn't about you and me. This is about you ditching the village because your boyfriend died."

"Are you patronizing me?"

"No! It's just that your actions were completely and utterly selfish and completely detrimental to everything that shinobi are taught. Were you awake during class? I know that you graduated from the academy when you were six so your attention span was reasonably short-"

"Now you listen here-"

"Who am I judge? It's not like I would've walked away from my village and duty just because my significant other bit the dust...oh wait...I'm still here."

"Minato-"

"So's Kakashi! And he killed his girlfriend!"

"You're not being fair-"

"Why not ask the old man about fairness? I'm sure that he'd have a lot of perspective considering the loss of his son and wife!"

"You're mocking me."

"There's also Sasuke, who also deserted to kill his brother after said-brother murdered his entire family and clan..."

"Stop mocking me."

"That Neji kid whose father was sacrificed to avoid a war between Konoha and Kumo..."

"I know you're mocking me."

"No, mom! I'm just picking out random names out of the hundreds and thousands of shinobi who have all lost loved ones in the line of duty and didn't ditch the village and gamble away their grandfather's inheritance...not to mention the clan treasury."

"The Senju Clan doesn't exist anymore-"

"And that may not have been the case if it's last heiress hadn't ditched town because she was crying over her dead boyfriend!"

"Fine, I've spilled milk in the past-"

"A lot of it!"

"But I've grown up from the woman that I was! I became the 5th Hokage and led this village through-"

"So what all happened in your first year as Hokage?"

"Sasuke defected-"

"And who you did you send after him?"

"Your son and a team of genin led by a chunin..." It scared Tsunade as to how unreadable Minato just became, "We were short-staffed at the time alright?"

"Please tell me that wasn't everything? Did Sasuke walk out the gates by himself?"

Tsunade nervously thumbed her fingers on the desk and Minato blinked.

"You were so short-staffed that you didn't even have guards at the gates? The Gates that lead directly into the village? Was this simple security feature also low on the list of priorities?"

"He was meeting with a squad of Oto shinobi-"

"He had to have had prior contact with these shinobi to know where to meet them and when to walk out the front door, no? How exactly did they get past the perimeter?"

"You know that Orochimaru used to be with Root-"

"And this prevented you from changing the pass code to the perimeter...how? Or was this low on your priority list too?"

"You're acting like this is all my fault!"

"It is suspect that you sent a group of genin led by a rookie chunin to chase down a squad of jonin-level shinobi and almost all of the genin were killed. Was there no one else available?"

"Shizune led another team, but they were defeated-"

"What about Kakashi?"

"He was sent on another mission-"

"What about the ANBU?"

"They were sent-"

"You know what? I've heard enough." Minato handed a scroll and pen across the desk, "Please sign this."

"You want me to cede executive authority to you?"

"Seeing as that I'm the "senior" hokage, I've judged that you suck at your job. I'm taking it and demoting you to inactive status."

"I can't believe that you're doing this to your own mother." Tsunade protested, "I have contributed invaluable assets to this village!"

"What assets apart from your breasts?"

"I'm the best healer in the damned shinobi world-"

"And how does that give you any perspective on strategy or tactics? Most of your career, you were in the rear lines watching other people kill shit and healed comrades when shit tried to kill them."

"I revolutionized and created the medical corps!"

"And then abandoned it."

"I saved your son's life!"

"Many years after you abandoned your own son and wasn't around when the kyubi jabbed a giant claw through my abdomen."

"You got better!"

"My wife's soul is in the belly of the grim reaper! I was in a coma for 16 years! Thousands of people were killed and the survivors vented all of their grief onto my son. Better isn't the word that I would choose."

"I thought this wasn't personal."

"It's not exclusively personal."

"I don't just heal! I'm also really strong!"

"So healing and super-strength...gambler, deserter, terrible mother...still don't see any hokage material."

"I am a sannin!"

"Who couldn't do jack shit against the BDSM zombie gang controlled by a malnourished wimp with a god-complex!"

"What the hell would you have done against Pain?"

"Teleported behind him and slit his throat..." Tsunade grumbled and shrugged her shoulders at her predecessor's answer, "I killed a whole army that way! What kind of question is that? Why do you think people called me the Yellow Flash?"

"Cause you're quick in bed-"

"Sign the scroll and get out."

"Fine! I never wanted the damned job anyway!" Tsunade hastily signed her name on the scroll as Minato shook his head, "What?"

"Deserting the job?"

"You're firing me...that's hardly-"

"Go cry in your boyfriend's chest...oh wait...he's dead!"

"Not another word-"

"Or what? You'll cry and abandon the village? Gamble away the trust fund that Jiraiya left you? Or just go to a local bar and find someone whose into older women?"

"I'm done!" Tsunade stood up to leave, "Enjoy the chair!"

"I will! And I certainly won't desert it!" The office door loudly slammed and the Yondaime Hokage took a look over the files of more upcoming candidates. Minato prayed that the next several interviews would go more smoothly...

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Tsunade's been pushed from the hokage desk! ****Who else will suffer the critical wrath of the Yondaime? Who will be found worthy to become a Hokage candidate? Who will get flash-burned next?**


	2. Rock Lee

**Copyright: I don't own Naruto. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. Moving on.**

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"You've been quiet Hokage-sama."

"That's because I'm thinking about things..." Minato stated, Rock Lee's file sitting open on the desk, "Like how exactly to respond to you."

"For what?"

"How the hell you ever got out of the academy."

"I graduated."

"Exactly...you graduated and became genin despite being physically unable to use jutsu."

"I can use jutsu-"

"I'm sorry, jutsu that doesn't tear apart your muscles and turn you into a liability." Minato clarified, "In essence, all you can do is punch and kick people. That is all that you can do."

"I can punch them really hard!" Lee boasted, "Guy Sensei also taught me how to run really fast!"

"Impressive in themselves, but Lee...that's all you can do." Minato blunted, "Do you know how many shinobi there are in this village who are really fast, punch things hard and can do something else amazingly incredible?"

"Ah-"

"Sakura can punch things and use ninjutsu...including healing people. Think about that..."

"I feel like you just insulted me somehow..."

"Your teammate Neji! He doesn't need to punch things hard and he can kill people by tapping their chest. I mean...he can also see over a hundred kilometers away in addition to x-ray vision and closing an opponent's chakra points. He is also really fast! Do you see how insignificant you appear compared to him?"

"Neji is a protegee..."

"Then there's Choji...whose also really strong and can make himself into a giant...A GIANT..."

"I strive to be a good shinobi without ninjutsu or genjutsu!"

"Ah...no...you're missing something Lee. What makes a shinobi a shinobi?"

"Hardwork and-"

"No philosophy shit! What makes a shinobi be identified as a shinobi? What can a shinobi do that normal people can't?"

"They are trained to kill people and infiltrate and...spy and...other things."

"And how do most shinobi do these things?"

"With jutsu?"

"Where do you think the nin in ninjutsu comes from? It comes ninja! Which is what we are!"

"And I am a ninja without ninjutsu!"

"No...you can't be a shinobi without ninjutsu...it's kind of the point." Minato stated, "For instance, your record states that you went on one S-ranked mission."

"We were sent to rescue the Kazekage from Akatsuki."

"And you fought a fish-man named Kisame...what did you contribute to that fight?"

"Guy-sensei defeated him-"

"And what did you do?"

"Get caught in water and almost drown..."

"So...let's say that you had to fight Deidara, a man who can fly on a clay bird and use clay to throw explosives at you...how would you fight him?"

"By jumping up to him and kicking him!"

"And how would you get past the explosives and the fact that HE CAN FLY?"

"Jump faster!"

"Now lets say Naruto went up against Deidara in a fight. What do you think he would do?"

"Defeat him?"

"No shit! He'd use shadow clones to throw off his enemy and sneak attack him before he got too high. Or better yet, throw a rasenshuriken at the clay bird and let gravity do the rest."

"That would be Naruto for you..."

"But are you seeing the problem with associating a man who only punches and kicks people with shinobi?" Minato asked the unphased Rock Lee, "You're not a shinobi at all. You're really just a bouncer."

"A bouncer?"

"Yes! As in a bodyguard! Because you're completely useless above that capacity."

"I am a splendid shinobi!"

"You are not a shinobi! You're a bodyguard! A bodyguard who uses high-speed martial arts!"

"I am very effective in combat!"

"Against thugs and other non-shinobi. But any genin-level ninja would just use basic ninjutsu to avoid you and head off to their target."

"Not if I catch them first!"

"So you're faster than a substitution jutsu? Or a shunshin jutsu? What about my space-time ninjutsu that allowed me to slit the throats of a whole army in less than a minute? You're faster than the Yellow Flash?"

"No-"

"Can you see chakra?"

"No-"

"Can you heal people?"

"No-"

"So you're completely worthless to me Lee! Sakura is more useful than you are!"

"I am not useless!"

"You're at least more useful than Tenten...I can call you if I ever need a martial arts demonstration. Or maybe I'm throwing a party and I need a bodyguard!"

"I'm a good-"

"Fighter...you are a fighter! If you want to be a shinobi then find Tsunade and have her fix your chakra coils! Or better yet, talk to the Raikage about how to use ninjutsu without handsigns! But just taijutsu? How did you even pass your Chunin exam?"

"By defeating my opponent..."

"So a fluke...just like with the guy that Obito beat..."

"Who was Obito?"

"My student...a good kid who was crushed and killed under a giant rock. But you know what? Do you know what he could do?"

"What could he do-"

"He could breath fire! He was also decent with punching people and that was before he got his sharingan! He was 13 when he died and I'd trained him since he was 9. In all of those years, he was never as useless as you are."

"I break rocks."

"Good! If we ever need to make a new tunnel through the mountain, you'll be the first person that I call!"

"I can use weapons too!"

"Can you embue them with electricity like Sasuke can? Or wind energy like Naruto and Asuma?"

"No."

"Then those weapons are as useless as you are." Minato decided to conclude business, "So with this in mind, I am suspending your rank in the shinobi forces until you find something else that you can do."

"You're suspending me?"

"And if you don't learn how to do something other than punch people then you're fired."

"But...this is my life! You can't suspend me from my life!"

"Then you should look into other fields such as opening a dojo or becoming a bouncer-for-hire. Or I could make you a bodyguard for the front gates."

"Really?"

"No..." Minato chuckled, "No! Haven't you been paying attention to my words?"

"Where did you get that awesome coat-"

"Get out."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Ah oh! Lee has been canned!**

**Who else will risk being flash-burned?**

**Note: Minato is a bit of a jerk, so if he seems overly harsh on Lee or any other further interviewees, then it's because he's a jerk. Anyone whose seen Naruto would know that Rock Lee can beat the shit out of anyone with a sharingan (which grants you high reflexes and copycat abilities) because of his speed. Lee may only be a "fighter", but he's a fighter who scissor-kicked zombie Madara.**

**This is a crack fic for a reason.**


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